How I learnt to run


I was in the handover room at work. I think we were talking about exercise. I fancy doing a couch to 5 k I say. One of my mates immediately said ‘Yeah cool, I’ll do that with you, I’ll pick you up at 6 am tomorrow morning’.

Picture this moment. Everyone turning their heads towards me. Inside im like, shit I have a big mouth. Outside I’m like, ah yea that’s ace see you then. Always wanted to do it eh. Used to do a bit of cross country at school.

So anyway, off we go at 6 am the next morning to the river. We’ve downloaded the app which is 30 mins. Actually the first one might have been 20 mins. Friend pooh poohs the amount of time we shall be exercising for and says we shall have a jolly good walk first before starting it. She sets off at a walking pace that is like a running pace to me and I stomp along behind wanting to smack her in the head and tip her into the river.

We get to the run bit. The first one I think was 2 mins walking 30 seconds running. Anyone can run for 30 seconds right?

It was shit. It was so shit I wanted to die. I was sucking in wind hauling myself along like a bloody whale. Out of the water. I think I actually wanted to just lie on the ground and flip about wailing.

30 seconds should be easy. It isn’t. If you’re unfit. It’s shit.

So I go home and think about how bad it was and take the next logical step which is to join a gym and get a personal trainer. The next logical step would have probably been to eat a crumpet but I’d said I was going to do couch to 5 k so failure wasn’t an option.

So I join the gym. I get the biggest, beefiest PT and learn how to make a treadmill work. There are a few funny stories about me on treadmills so I was kinda nervous. But I got it sussed pretty quick.

Then what I did was just follow the programme. I downloaded some great playlists and I ran. Well I walked and ran. Then I could suddenly run for 10 mins. Like non stop. This was pretty good I thought.

I started reading some running type things. I had a few running friends who were generous with advice. And then I got some shin splint and leg and knee stuff going on. So I dropped 200 notes on a pair of running shoes. This was quite traumatic. They were so unattractive. The girl at the running shop stood there with her muscly legs and runners costume while I sat there with a face like a smacked arse saying…. ‘Are there any that are a bit more attractive’. Her deadpan face said ‘these are the shoes for you’. Just like that. No convo. No lolling. Actual bitch.

Anyway hurrah!!! It was the best decision ever. All my injuries disappeared. Shazam. And they are actually my favourite running shoes make ever. I don’t care about attractive these days.

So I kept on going, still on the treadmill and did my first 20 min non stop run. My app said to me ‘congratulations, you are now a runner’. This is probably my favourite memory ever in terms of my running journey. Me finishing that run and beefcake personal trainer texting me on my way home to say ‘you can do anything you set your mind to’.

I eventually moved to outdoors. I had an irrational fear of this for a while. Then one day I did it and my life became so much brighter. I find it very hard to spend anything more than 10 mins on a treadmill now. I can’t stand it. And there is always ads for Nutri shake makers and steam mops. That shits me.

So then I had finished the couch to 5 k. I couldn’t run 5 k. It’s a lie. You can run like 3.2k in 30 mins or something. So I just kept running. I got to 5 k, then 7k, then 8k. I got crazy about running apps. I did 10 k runner, I did interval stuff, burn the fat off your arse stuff. Then I decide to run a half marathon.

That’s another thing I said shit about after I’d announced it. But I tend to announce things to put myself under pressure to do them. I’m nuts like that.

And I’ve raised heaps of money too so just had to do it. So I am. 4 weeks to go. Fuck those long runs.

But you know I think I love running the best. Running is ace. Even with all the whinging. It’s ace. It makes me happy in a masochistic way.

Some runs are the best thing you’ve ever done. They make you squeal. Especially if you are somewhere new.

So far I have ran in Japan,Scotland,England,Vancouver and a few cities in Australia. Soon I’m going to run in Rome. And Amsterdam. I look up running routes before anything else. I actually put the runs before anything else. I take the time for running and crossfit. My family knows this. They run too. I have some good pacers.

So if the hoovering doesn’t get done or it’s just lentils and whatever salad is in the fridge for tea, that’s how it is. We fit the runs. And generally everything works out and the peeps have enough clean knickers.

Sometimes I dig dirty running clothes out of the wash and wear them again. I did this for 3 days straight once. Then did an 8 k with the spunky boy Vince. It rained. He later said ‘I’m glad it rained cos Jesus mum you stank’. ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

So yep when I started 30 seconds killed me. I highly recommend going through this process.

I’m still not fast. Whatevs. ๐Ÿ˜Ž

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