fullsizeoutput_2052Yesterday somebody lovely was saying that they had been yelled at in a shop by a horrible woman. They thought she had pushed in and she hadn’t, so they yelled at her and made her cry. Horrible right?! Ugh.

So anyway I was thinking about this and suddenly remembered my vaginal jelly story. I  haven’t blogged about this and I really should because it was great, and also included vaginal jelly.

So when I was a young midwife I popped out one lunchtime for a packet of fags from the gas station. It was the NHS in England so your diet was fags and black coffee. As I was waiting to come out and get back on the road a guy pulled up beside me. It was a tricky road to get back onto as it was busy ++.  The car windows were open as it was summer and suddenly this guy started yelling at me. It went something like this….

Go on go, you silly cow. Hey you stupid tart just go. Fuckinghell you blonde bitch just go.

And on it continued, with him making fist like gestures. I ignored it for a minute or so and then this rage suddenly consumed me. I mean, I really do have a problem with violent men yelling at women like this. So I plunged my hand deep into my scrubs pocket and pulled out my nice new tube of vaginal jelly, KY jelly back in the day (remember I was a midwife, we often have stuff like this on hand), and I leaned across the seat, squeezed the tube hard and covered this hideous person in vaginal jelly.  I yelled ‘You are a fucking danger to women! I hate you and so should whoever you are fucking’.

Now I probably wouldn’t advise anyone to go around covering violent hideous men in vaginal jelly but it worked well. Kinda like vaginal pepper spray.

The other occasion when I retaliated to violent men was in the UK too. There was a car body shop across the road from me and I had parked my car slightly over their entrance after a night on call. Like 10cm, slightly over. I found a note on my car that I couldn’t even repeat in this blog, it was so horrible and extreme. I was completely stunned and upset by it. Anyway later that night at around 2 am I got called out for a home birth. I hadn’t slept very well as I was so upset with the contents of that note. So I went out to my car and reversed it into their floor to ceiling glass storefront.

I never heard a thing about it, clearly they didn’t have CCTV.

Dont fuck with a midwife. Especially one who has been on call and has had about 5 hours sleep in 3 days.

And don’t yell at people in shops because it’s horrible.

Generally I’m really nice.

Lovage

Edie xoxoxo

 

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