I haven’t really posted much recently. I do usually, I’m the sort of person who lets you know what I am having for dinner in a cheerful kind of way. I haven’t been very cheerful though so I didn’t post. One of my beautiful blogger friends Nadia sent me Helen Garners book ‘Yellow Notebook’ today. She included a note that said ‘because stories matter’.
Sometimes it is difficult to write about the non cheerful things. I find myself thinking ‘Oh gawd that’s all really negative and people won’t want to hear about that’. I mean after all I do get it……
I don’t watch the news or subscribe to any news sites because I am one of those very sensitive people, the type where bad news stuff creeps under my skin and then I have to spend ages washing off the layers with a frown on my face.
Anyway after I got this beautifully thoughtful gift I decided that it is really true that stories matter, even if they are not jolly. My recent story is not jolly.
As you know I had a real period of sickness over the last couple of years and ended up having a hysterectomy. During the surgery I got an injury to my bladder and then had very challenging weeks of post operative pain. This ended up with several admissions to hospital and a heap of CT scans, MRIs and another laparoscopy. Eventually it was discovered that I had damage to a disc from being in lithotomy for so long during my lengthy complicated hysterectomy.
The good thing was…
it wasn’t pudendal nerve pain – there was concern initially that it was that and I know that is an issue that is unresolvable and can go on for years. Much gratitude that it wasn’t that.
It will fix eventually!
The bad things were…
It was completely horrible not knowing for so long why I was in so much pain.
My girlfriend was completely traumatised.
I was completely traumatised.
I had just started a new job. They have been SO nice.
I ended up taking heaps of morphine and tramadol for far too long.
So as much as I wanted to post some post hysterectomy joyous posts it didn’t end up like that at all. I wanted the positive and not the negative. I tell myself to shut up at least 16 times a day. I have been so challenged by it all. I am not massively strong and robust and resilient around medical stuff.
So now I am withdrawing from all of that morphine and tramadol which is not a nice experience. It is quite hideous.
But stories matter. I suppose they do even when they are horrid. The thing I do know is that everything changes. One day this will all be a distant memory that will only surface when someone mentions hysterectomy. Then I will firmly button my lip and nod understandingly whilst chanting to myself ‘Do not speak’, because most people will be fine. They will.
In the meantime I am eating Ayurvedic temple food because I find it comforting. In saying that I just ate a blackcurrant lolly because I decided it was potentially Ayurvedic.
I am also going away to the beach house tomorrow with the sistas! Yes, it’s that time of year! I wasn’t going to go this year as I thought I would be working and I’m feeling some strange guilt about going – which is ridiculous as I’m signed off work for at least another two weeks. Midwives are ace at feeling guilty though. Anyway the beach is a great place to regroup and withdraw from drugs. Of course we will take the doggos. Last year Lola who is one of the sisters labradors ate a whole sack of Nans dogs dry food! She was bloated like a horse with colic and I just felt I should walk her round and round in circles like they did once, with the horse, at the boarding school in Malory towers. Of course in the end, in that story, the brash unlikable teacher who was completely horsy made friends with the determined impulsive school girl and all was well and they embraced or something! Anyway I just remember the midnight walking in the lashing rain in the yard, and barracking for the poor bloated horse! Lola was also okay despite looking quite uncomfortable for a while.
Bincy once bought me the box set of The Famous Five from his K-Mart wages at a particularly challenging point in my life. It’s still one of my favourite things.
I imagine I will be like Lola. Okay in the end despite looking quite uncomfortable for a while.
And Nadia. My precious friend. Thank you xxx